Today DH and I went to the cemetary to witness Hope get cremated. It was a very surreal experience. We walked into the chapel and there was a cardboard box with Hope’s remains sitting in the front of the chapel. It was heartbreaking to know that her body was in there, it just looked so lonely.

We sat on the pew and broke down and cried and cried. Over and over I cried, “My baby Hope, my baby Hope.”

DH then opened the container that held her body to make sure it was our Hope. When he looked inside he said her remains were in embalming fluid, but that he recongnized her face. Even at 18.5 weeks she had a recognizable face, that brings me comfort. We have pictures of her at birth, and they put a tiny knit cap on her, she ended up looking like a smurf to me, an adorable smurf.

After holding onto each and crying, we decided it was time to get the cremation started. We both carried the box together to the oven, and then DH placed it carefully in a pan. They pushed the pan in and closed the oven door. Her precious body. After a couple minutes or so, we decided it was time to go.

I am so thankful we have pictures of Hope. I treasure those pictures so much, even though some might find it hard to look at since she is so tiny, but she is so perfectly formed.

We plan on having a private memorial service for her on Sunday, just DH and I, my mom and my sister.

I love her and miss her so much.

C

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