Its been 2 weeks since Hope was born.  I still feel raw with pain and sorrow.  The last 2 to 3 days have been especially painful.  I can’t get her out of my mind.  The birth, the way she gasped and moved her limbs, the guilt that my body let her down and made her die.

I don’t know how anyone gets through this.  DH says take it one second at a time, so the seconds tick by, and I guess it is working. 

I went to go see Dr. N yesterday to get his opinion.  He agrees that it is Incompetent Cervix, but thinks that a cerclage (transvaginal) will be enough to save the next pregnancy.  I asked him about a transabdomincal cerclage, in his words, “Its like killing and ant with a hammer.”  He said if there is a family or friend that can be a gestational surrogate, then “that would be a gift from heaven.”

I feel bad for even thinking about trying again.  I miss my Hope so much.  I can’t wait for the day I get to meet her in heaven.

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