So yesterday I started to wear mascara again, I haven’t worn mascara since two days before I lost Hope. I finally feel like I won’t burst into tears at a moments notice. It’s weird to have normal thoughts come back into my life. Its been almost 7 weeks and I felt like I would never think of anything else besides losing Hope and feeling sorry for myself. But, as more time passes by my mind drifts to other things that are not Hope-related. I sometimes feel guilty, but I know that I am making progress. I also know that I might make a u-turn in this “progress” and have mascara running down my face when I least expect it.
I am also starting to think about ttc again. I know I need a cerclage in any subsequent pregnancy due to incompetent cervix, and I am going to go all out and get the transabdominal cerclage. It requires surgery through the abdomen similar to a c-section, most doctors think that it’s too much, but there is no way I want to go through losing another baby. I know I could still lose a baby due to other reasons, but at least it wont be because of incompetent cervix. I just need to figure out if I should do it pre-conception or post-pregnancy.
AF hasn’t started yet since I lost Hope. I went to my follow-up with my OBGYN and had an ultrasound done to make sure there was nothing retained in the uterus. The u/s tech commented that I had a juicy follie on the left side and that I should ovulate in the next couple of days. It measured at 16mm last Wednesday, and here I am a week later and no ovulation. My body sucks at getting back on track after losses. I’ve had post-miscarriage cycles where it took me 4 months and another 72 days to start AF and start ovulating again. I feel so stuck.